I am nice, friendly, fun, thoughtful, humble, harmless, happy and hopeful. Sort of like the Dali Lama only with a better tan.

I think I decided tonight that I’d really, really like NOT to spend another birthday browsing dating profiles.

ianhollander

I also have very versatile hair, which is obviously a huge reason to say hi.

I would also like to say that if I’ve looked at your profile a bunch of times, I’m really not stalking you. I just have a really bad short term memory and way too much free time. Plus people keep changing up their primary profile pic, and once you realize you’re looking at the same person again, you’re overtaken with that sinking feeling that it’s already too late. Then you consider setting your profile to “private” for a few hours just to avoid appearing creepy, yet, it feels like a whole lot of heavy lifting and way too much extra work, and the whole shame spiral thing begins and you go back to eating stale tortilla chips, watching Dexter re-runs and wondering what happened to your life.

Be honest – that’s happened to you too.

I’m a good listener, a very good tennis player, I dress well and most parents like me after the 2nd or 3rd visit.

I also decided I don’t want to waste another Saturday night watching “Celebrity Ghost Story” reruns, either…..but that’s something I’m going to have to deal with on my own.

You know you have a problem when you watch the one with lead singer of Motley Crue twice. (in one night)

I’m just too lazy to even turn the channel anymore.

It wasn’t even believable…..there weren’t any witnesses, plus he’s doing all sorts of drugs the whole time, who knows that it wasn’t all one big hallucination?

I just don’t buy it.

Scott Baldwin’s story was much better.

Speaking of ghost stories, I got a ouija board for Chanukah this year.

It’s amazing how the little pointer thingy moves around on it’s own, even though I’m barely touching it.

It makes me a bit suspcious that it’s spelling seems to get worse the more I drink though, but otherwise it’s still pretty cool.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, even if you don’t think we’d be a good match, but you have some ouija experience, feel free to write.

I really love the freedom that comes with knowing that no one is reading this far down.

It’s very empowering.

I’ve been arrested more than once.

I occassionally shoplift.

I sometimes cry for no reason. This is actually quite freeing. I’ll get back to this in a few minutes.

I self published 3 pretty successful books in the last 12 months, which unfortunately is 2 and a half more than I’ve read.

I like to think I’m a lot like Eckhart Tolle, if only he was taller, and a much better tennis player. (it turns out in person, he’s super short, has a terrible backhand, wears this weird scottish hat thingy that makes it really difficult to concentrate while serving and shouts “it’s always NOW” when you ask him the score.

Anyway – after re-reading this a few times, I also decided i’m not a big fan of starting sentences with “I”.

To be honest, I was thinking about pretending that i asked a friend to describe me – but when i see other people that always feels sad and sneaky and probably totally made up to me.

It’s sort of creepy, right? I mean, when was the last time someone asked you to describe them in 2000 words or less? It doesn’t happen often, if ever – and if it did – if probably means you are hanging out with felons who need something for court.

There is a lot of freedom that comes with this bottom half part of the profile – no one ever reads this far down. You can really say whatever comes to mind and nobody will judge you – which is very freeing and empowering, you should try it.

I once had a federal tax lien. I occasionally shoplift. I cry often and ocassionally sleep till 11am. ( on weekdays. )

I love fruity candy like dots, mike and ike’s starburst and laffy taffy, which i often eat quickly in local parking lots. (See the shoplifting thing above) I’m trying to think of what else. I will get back to this after I finish the rest of this bottle of wine.

I think I decided I’m not a good match, for Match. I’m not sure why. Okay, I am pretty sure why. First of all, I get very little new mail. Ocassionally I’ll get a wink from someone in the Ukraine, but I’m pretty sure they’re fake.

Between you and I, I’m probably a better fit for one of those specialty sites that caters more to the artistic entrepreneurial types who are unusually sexy for their age.

Anyway, I know you stopped reading way up around the shoplifting thing. I don’t blame you. Who wants to worry every time they walk into CVS that they could be an accessory to petty theft? I know I don’t.

PS:

( I hope no one minds I’m using the ” about me” from my Match.com Profile….)

I am also an excellent tennis player in case you were wondering.