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How to Write a Match.Com Profile That Gets Zero Responses


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This is why I don’t date. I would like to take the whole project seriously. But as soon as I start writing, it all goes south in a hurry. My shrink says this is part of my life long pattern of self sabotage. But what does he know? Sure, I work in footsie pajamas 10 hours a day, don’t leave the house much, and am fairly photogenic, so you’d think that Match.com would be a win win. It’s really not. I do get a lot of repeat visitors. But very little new mail.

ianhollander

maybe it’s my super messy floor?

Hi.  I am nice, friendly, happy, humble, peaceful and free – sort of like the Dali Lama, just with a better tan.

I also have very versatile hair, which is obviously a huge reason to say hi.

I would also like to say that if I’ve looked at your profile a bunch of times, I’m really not stalking you.  I just have a really bad short term memory and way too much free time.  Plus people keep changing up their primary profile pic, and once you realize you’re looking at the same person again, you’re overtaken with that sinking feeling that it’s already too late.  Then you consider setting your profile to “private” for a few hours just to avoid appearing creepy, yet, it feels like a whole lot of heavy lifting and way too much extra work, and the whole shame spiral thing begins and you go back to eating stale tortilla chips, watching Dexter re-runs and wondering what happened to your life.

Be honest – that’s happened to you too.

I am athletic, down to earth, grounded, smart, successful, caring, compassionate, unpretentious, friendly, a little off beat, quirky and sometimes shy.

I self published 3 pretty successful books in the last 12 months, which unfortunately is 2 and a half more than I’ve read.

I’m really interested in various types of meditation and exploring consciousness and “spiritual” growth.   I’ve written a fair amount of stuff on adventures and experiences around these topics and now –  quite unexpectedly, teach other adventurous types meditation and mindfulness techniques…..and have discovered this really makes me happy.

I like to think I’m a lot like Eckhart Tolle, if only he was taller, and a much better tennis player.   (it turns out in person, he’s super short, has a terrible backhand and wears this weird scottish hat thingy that makes it really difficult to concentrate while serving)

Anyway – after re-reading this a few times, I also decided i’m not a big fan of starting sentences with “I”.

To be honest,  I was thinking about pretending that i asked a friend to describe me  – but when i see other people that always feels sad and sneaky and probably totally made up to me.

It’s sort of creepy, right?  I mean, when was the last time someone asked you to describe them in 2000 words or less?  It doesn’t happen often, if ever – and if it did – if probably means you are hanging out with felons who need something for court.

There is a lot of freedom that comes with this bottom half part of the profile – no one ever reads this far down.  You can really say whatever comes to mind and nobody will judge you – which is very freeing and empowering, you should try it.

I once had a federal tax lien. I occasionally shoplift.  I cry often and ocassionally sleep till 11am.  ( on weekdays. )

I love fruity candy like dots, mike and ike’s starburst and laffy taffy, which i often eat quickly in local parking lots.  (See the shoplifting thing above)  I’m trying to think of what else.  I will get back to this after I finish the rest of this bottle of wine.

I think I decided I’m not a good match, for Match.  I’m not sure why.  Okay, I am pretty sure why.  First of all, I get very little new mail.  Ocassionally I’ll get a wink from someone  in the Ukraine, but I’m pretty sure they’re fake.

Between you and I,  I’m probably a better fit for one of those specialty sites that caters more to the artistic entrepreneurial types who are unusually sexy for their age.

Anyway, I know you stopped reading way up around the shoplifting thing.  I don’t blame you.  Who wants to worry every time they walk into CVS that they could be an accessory to petty theft?  I know I don’t.

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