I‘ve been doing some reading recently on the idea of self induced suffering. 

I’m not talking about death or dying or extreme sickness. 

I’m NOT talking about global issues like starvation, genocide or war either.  I’m simply talking about suffering on a personal level. 

Our own melodramatic dance with pomp, circumstance – grace, grit and greed and all of that fun stuff that keeps the infinte wheel of Samsara and Silliness spinning long enough for us each to get old, look back and know better.

- I of course have plenty of my own.  I’m suffering in my own unique and self created ways – spending most of my days glued in front of my screen, always planning for tommorow, rarely truly enjoying the present moment and all of that happy and fun Eckhart Tolle sort of bestselling bullshit.

- But – I think today, I really recognized what suffering is.  How bad it could really get.  And to me, it looks like AJ Hammer.

- After 3 nights of having Showbiz Tonight quietly on in the background while doing work, it occured to me that I truly can’t imagine a worse job in the world than having to talk in hushed and melodramatic tones about the Jonas Brothers latest news, how Heather Locklear is doing after rehab, or what Lindsey Lohan’s new nose ring REALLY signifies about her relationship with Samantha Ronson. 

- In my view, and I’m just not sure how to say this right, but if I could possibly care less I think I’d  be getting somewhere into the comatose or catanonic state, and I’d prefer not to think of myself like that.

-But it didn’t really hit me until a few minutes ago, how much AJ must be suffering.  Only after watching him do a 5 minute expose on Oprah’s apocolyptic admission that she is officially over 200 pounds now, complete with lots of special guest experts, lifestyle coaches for chubby people, and other peanut gallery conversation, did it occur to me how bad life must really be for AJ.

- I mean – he’s a good looking dude, a smart guy, and has to have a fair amount of career options, right?  This one ain’t the right choice, my brother…..Of that I’m certain.

-I’ll also add that I can call AJ my brother with confidence, as his CNN bio reflects we are members and alumni of the same college fraternity, which means my opinion should count for something.  Plus, I’m going to be honest – as a Jewish guy myself – I must say it troubles me to learn that his REAL name is AJ Goldberg, and he changed it for showbiz purposes to HAMMER.  First of all – I’m not a big fan of changing what is obviously a Jewish sounding name for show biz reasons (even though it worked well for Bob Dylan and all) but if you’re GOING to do it, Hammer?

- That’s like me changing my last name to Asskicker or Cyclone or Canofasswhup or something. 

I think AJ Goldberg has a much better ring to it, and doesn’t run the risk of sounding like he’s spent one day too many in a WWF chat forum.

– Anyway AJ – we’re all suffering along with you, so don’t worry too much about it.  I had bigger plans myself years ago, so I DO understand.  Just lighten up a bit on the gravitas and global import of Oprah’s weight issues, would you?  (no pun intended..:-)  I know Oprah’s getting a little meaty for the holidays, but the sun will rise again tommorow, I promise. 

This article would probably be titled the quickest way to tell that you are a hell of a lot dumber than you think you are.  ( I’m raising my hand right now if you can’t tell)

I guess I’ve got a little bit more free time than I realized, AND a bit deeper of a persistent confronational streak that I like to acknowledge.

Anyway – the point of this is I had a nasty, and frustrating exchange today when I was purchasing a new keyword tool to test. 

I tried to leave the page to reconsider whether I really needed it ( I had been using a 7 day free trial and really loved the speed and the underlying interface) – and of course, got hit with the live chat that was offering a once in a lifetime 50% off deal on an already pretty expensive product, and I guess I just thought it was just too good to pass up.

But – being a pretty smart shopper, I already knew the bonuses on the page were pretty attractive, and I simply wanted to make sure I was getting those on top of the 50% discount as well.

"I Have Been Guilty of Kicking Myself in the Teeth, I will Speak No More of My Feelings Beneath"

So I clicked "Chat".

What happened next is when things really started to go down the shitter – which is not unusual for my IM sessions with customer service types, because I like to lead things off with – "what are you wearing?" - mostly because I’m already used to that from a decade of 900 number calls and intrinsicly realize that time is money on these things.

Anyway – I wrote somethign to the effect of – "hi kathy – what are the bonuses associated with this item?’

To which she responded – " A, B and C"

To which I responded – "is there a difference in the premium vs the basic version other than the terms of payment?" (one was monthly – the other was for the year upfront)

To which she responded – " Why not give it a try today, click here!"

To which she then followed up with – "there are only 7 left at this price"

To which I responded – " oh, really? Are you sure about that?"

To which she responded – "if there’s nothing else I can help you with, click here and buy it before the bonus goes away!"

To which I responded – " There IS something you can help me with – WHAT is the difference between the premium and basic versions??" (notice the heavy cap use on my side of the conversation)

To which she responded – " there are only 7 left at this price"

To which I responded – "what about my question do you NOT understand?"

To which she responded – "if there is nothing else I can help you with, I’m going to go now"

To which I shook my head, and clicked on the little link at the bottom of the chat screen to take this simple question up with her superior.

 I will NOT be treated like a dummy by some girl with bright blue eyes and a beautiful online avatar. 

I’m important, and deserve to be treated that way.

To which I landed on a page selling intellichat’s automotatic page abandonement software system, where robotic scripts intuit your answers and try to appeal to your sense of value by offering you a deal too good to pass up. 

The shame swam over me in waves.

I just had a completely imaginary conversation. 

With myself. 

And twisted my panties up in the process. 

And I’m supposed to be giving other people advice.  If you are reading this blog for smart commentary, you have been given fair warning. 

There might be 2 people out of 100 who are that dumb, and unfortunately I’m not sure the other one is allowed internet access. 

I quietly paid for the product and slinked away, hoping that the bits and bytes weren’t getting a hearty laugh at my expense as I left.