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How to Write a Match.Com Profile That Gets Zero Responses

This is why I don’t date. I would like to take the whole project seriously. But as soon as I start writing, it all goes south in a hurry. My shrink says this is part of my life long pattern of self sabotage. But what does he know? Sure, I work in footsie pajamas 10 hours a day, don’t leave the house much, and am fairly photogenic, so you’d think that Match.com would be a win win. It’s really not. I do get a lot of repeat visitors. But very little new mail.

ianhollander

maybe it’s my super messy floor?

Hi.  I am nice, friendly, happy, humble, peaceful and free – sort of like the Dali Lama, just with a better tan.

I also have very versatile hair, which is obviously a huge reason to say hi.

I would also like to say that if I’ve looked at your profile a bunch of times, I’m really not stalking you.  I just have a really bad short term memory and way too much free time.  Plus people keep changing up their primary profile pic, and once you realize you’re looking at the same person again, you’re overtaken with that sinking feeling that it’s already too late.  Then you consider setting your profile to “private” for a few hours just to avoid appearing creepy, yet, it feels like a whole lot of heavy lifting and way too much extra work, and the whole shame spiral thing begins and you go back to eating stale tortilla chips, watching Dexter re-runs and wondering what happened to your life.

Be honest – that’s happened to you too.

I am athletic, down to earth, grounded, smart, successful, caring, compassionate, unpretentious, friendly, a little off beat, quirky and sometimes shy.

I self published 3 pretty successful books in the last 12 months, which unfortunately is 2 and a half more than I’ve read.

I’m really interested in various types of meditation and exploring consciousness and “spiritual” growth.   I’ve written a fair amount of stuff on adventures and experiences around these topics and now –  quite unexpectedly, teach other adventurous types meditation and mindfulness techniques…..and have discovered this really makes me happy.

I like to think I’m a lot like Eckhart Tolle, if only he was taller, and a much better tennis player.   (it turns out in person, he’s super short, has a terrible backhand and wears this weird scottish hat thingy that makes it really difficult to concentrate while serving)

Anyway – after re-reading this a few times, I also decided i’m not a big fan of starting sentences with “I”.

To be honest,  I was thinking about pretending that i asked a friend to describe me  – but when i see other people that always feels sad and sneaky and probably totally made up to me.

It’s sort of creepy, right?  I mean, when was the last time someone asked you to describe them in 2000 words or less?  It doesn’t happen often, if ever – and if it did – if probably means you are hanging out with felons who need something for court.

There is a lot of freedom that comes with this bottom half part of the profile – no one ever reads this far down.  You can really say whatever comes to mind and nobody will judge you – which is very freeing and empowering, you should try it.

I once had a federal tax lien. I occasionally shoplift.  I cry often and ocassionally sleep till 11am.  ( on weekdays. )

I love fruity candy like dots, mike and ike’s starburst and laffy taffy, which i often eat quickly in local parking lots.  (See the shoplifting thing above)  I’m trying to think of what else.  I will get back to this after I finish the rest of this bottle of wine.

I think I decided I’m not a good match, for Match.  I’m not sure why.  Okay, I am pretty sure why.  First of all, I get very little new mail.  Ocassionally I’ll get a wink from someone  in the Ukraine, but I’m pretty sure they’re fake.

Between you and I,  I’m probably a better fit for one of those specialty sites that caters more to the artistic entrepreneurial types who are unusually sexy for their age.

Anyway, I know you stopped reading way up around the shoplifting thing.  I don’t blame you.  Who wants to worry every time they walk into CVS that they could be an accessory to petty theft?  I know I don’t.

Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.

– Nisargadatta Maharaj

A great (video) interview with the founders of theSkimm.  (arguably the most popular new email newsletter in the world right now)

This is a great example of how ordinary people can achieve the extraordinary with a little bit of moxie, a little bit of vision, a little bit of risk and a whole lot of dive in and do it.

A great video for bloggers, and brand builders – and NOT because what they say here is so incredibly deep or profound or insightfully brilliant.  (although there are a few great gems here – I particularly liked the “we’re an “audience” company when investors forced them to pick)

Instead, this is inspiring simply due to how ordinary this idea is, and how extraordinary the success they are having with it in spite of it.  Also note how the Skimm ambassador program is really an affiliate program, or a JV partnership that incentives readers to evangelize for the brand.  This stuff is so obvious and easy to do – and contrary to that email you got from this guy (or one of the many goofy guru’s like him) it doesn’t have to be sleazy to do it right.

P.S. – I pay so very little attention to the people who are “teaching” in the online marketing space these days, simply because attention is so valuable, and I’m already a bit challenged in that department to begin with.  But what I do see, typically from Facebook “friends” who are commenting/liking/ people I recognize from years back, or intuitively just spot their gimmicky game from a super quick glance in their direction – it strikes me as so sad that this sort scammy spammy slimey preying on the weak thing still goes on, unabated, in 2016.

One of my FB “friends” left a comment on some program being promoted by a guy I loosely recall on the edges of the internet marketing fiefdom from years back…and I couldn’t help myself.  I looked at the schlock he is slinging – and her apparent enthusiasm for scooping it up – and then read some of the horrendous disaster stories that inevitably are about to follow – it’s like Trump University writ super small.  (because as the Donald would tell you – he’s in a class by himself, and these guys are all playing to the cheap seats by design)

I’m sort of a pacifist these days, mostly because I have small hands and bruise easily.  But, if I did display by ninja jujitsu skills in public, it would be in a ring, with people selling slop like that, and hurting people for profit.

I don’t want to give away my fight strategy, but there would be blood.  (hopefully not mine)

Skimm, Ahead anyway.  Great ideas always abound.

 

Never Let the Crazy Guy with the Bottle of Wine Manage the Business Facebook Page (and other Thursday Lessons)

I think the secret to loving your life – and your work, is to laugh.

Often.  At yourself.  And at others.

There are all of these really wise and well written articles and inspirational insightful opinions on what it means to do work that you love.

How to get there and how to stay there once you’ve arrived.

None of it is true, of course.  What’s true for me, may not be true for you.

For me, when i really fall in love with my work – and the art of doing something that makes me happy –  it’s always been about embracing my own eccentricities and just stepping into a reality where the only person I really want to please is me.

I know that sounds selfish.  But it’s really not.  If I strive to be true to my own sense of passion and purpose and service, I know, in my gut, I’ll do right by you.

Anyway, I share all of this because I got yelled at yesterday by a friend for my comments on our Facebook community.

The issue, to my mind, is pretty simple.

You’ve got to keep it real.  And you’ve got to responsive.  And you’ve got to be true.

Now, the funny thing is, as many of you already know, I do a lot of work these days in “spiritual” communities…..and this Facebook page, is for one of these communities.

I’m agnostic about most things other folks consider spiritual.

And while I have many of my own outlier sorts of intuitions about what it means to be a awake, aware and alive compared to MAINSTREAM scientific materialism, most of what many of my friends,and partners believe, in these projects, I find very dubious and doubtful.

So I find myself in this sort of weird position, quite often.  In a group call about some sort of person we ought to connect with professionally who does some sort of thing I’m pretty sure is complete BS.

Anyway, so I struggle with that a bit, and I’m always trying to find that balance.

But this post, really wasn’t going to be about that.  (i’m just tipping and tapping and typing away as the ideas enter my brain)

I really wanted to share why I got yelled at, and why I think it’s so damn funny (and worth learning from) still 🙂

So here is what happens:

We will post these surveys and quizes and entertaining, engaging style social media posts designed to get people on FB to interact with our content and community.

And when the topic is spiritual…..you get all sorts of wild, weird and wacky responses that can make your head spin.

When someone else is on FB page “duty”, I notice that they rarely respond to comments we get.

I’m just not wired that way.  Even though the community has very little to do with me……when I’m “in charge” I feel compelled to respond.  I can’t shake it or fake it or let it go.

Most of the time of course, a simple “thank you!” or nice or supportive comment is all that is required.  (after all, most folks aren’t stopping by a strange FB page after seeing a quiz or a survey and being deliberately obnoxious)

But some are.

And my partners think – avoid, ban or ignore.

I always think – engage!

Anyway, so yesterday, someone had taken some screenshots of some of my replies, and thought they were too routinely confrontational.

Me?

I just find them funny!  I just want to laugh – and be funny – and light – and engage with all of people’s weirdness and oddness and insecurities – and the strange compunctions that make folks say, and do what we do.

So when someone leaves a nasty or odd or weird or confrontational message on your business blog – or your community page – or whatever it is, I don’t believe in the whole “customer is always right thing”

People are fucking nuts.  They aren’t always right.  And pretending that this is the way to go through life only encourages more unproked nuttiness.

But I also won’t ignore you – or ban someone – or not respond to a point of view simply because it’s critical or unflattering or accusatory.  (we get a lot of this on this particular page – from the religious fundamentalists – to the hard core atheists to the new age nutters with a very specific sort of world view or conspiratorial theory on how things work, etc.  I never quite know which sort of insult I’m going to have to argue for or against – and it makes it quite interesting)

You CAN “fight back” with a kindness and compassion and humor, while still letting folks know you won’t be a public doormat.

One of the most amazing lessons for me is how just about everyone simply wants to be heard.

People want to be acknowleged – and know that their point of view was heard – and that it matters.  (even if you don’t agree)

That has been the humbling take away for me – being the crazy guy who has a half a bottle of wine and fast keyboard fingers responding to the FB commentary from people I will never really know…….that in 99% of the cases, when you merely respond to someone – and just try to make them laugh or make light of their insult or attack – they are immediately contrite and want to be friends.  (which makes me happy, because really, that’s all I want too 🙂

cathy 2Anyway – this one screenshot really, really makes me laugh.  I didn’t even remember this – but it’s so damn funny to me – simply because 1) it’s probably the first time someone used the phrase “mazel tov” on this sort of FB page in response to anything, and 2) her response to my sort of very (to me) obvious micro aggression was so damn sweet.

 

(she visited our page to say YES i am a “medium” but NO i will not be taking your “quiz” which she must have seen on her FB wall, as a paid advertisement – which I found, feeling the need to visit our page and comment on – very amusing!)

I love people.

And people just want to be loved.

Sometimes it takes colliding a bit, and not being afraid to speak up, even when other folks think saying nothing is best – to discover how much alike, underneath it all, we all are.

 

 

 

 

Math is Not My Strong Suit (Quick Video Case Study)

But I know a big ass bump when I see one.

I know a bunch of you have watched this already, but for those who haven’t….a few weeks ago I uploaded a quick video case study of how we implemented a super simple Amazon marketing strategy that increased downloads by something like 4000% or so, in 72 hours.

(and the whole thing cost nothing, other than a few hours of time)

The catch?

Changing the price of the book from 2.99 to “permafree” (note:  NOT a “free” promotion, but for the purposes of Amazon, “forever free”, which is also future fluid if you want to change back)

In a world where old school free traffic sources are drying up, positioned properly, Amazon can be an amazingly easy way to get hundreds, or even thousands of people to your site, service, blog or business….and on a bootstrap budget.  (in some ways, it’s akin to how ezinearticles USED to be back in the article marketing gold rush days)

Anyway – in this short video, I outline the entire process we used for this client (and author in the spiritual services spaces) that has really been quite successful, and can be emulated easily.  (all you have to do is be willing to create content, which, if you’ve read to this point of the post, I would imagine you are willing to do 🙂

Check it out here – and the offer on the course page still stands – if you have any questions about blog building, content curation, email marketing, or anything else, feel free to ASK me anything, and I’ll record an answer for you.

 

 

NEW: Build Bold & Beautiful Email & Content Marketing Campaigns

I spend way too much time trying to come up with clever headlines.

And they rarely end up sounding clever, do they>

Be honest.  I can take it. This was one wasn’t clever, was it?

Let’s keep that our secret.

Speaking of the “Bold and the Beautiful”, did you ever watch that back in the day?

Don’t answer that.

Instead, check out this super simple and uber cool new creative content curation and email marketing tool built by Volleyy.  It’s 100% free – I just signed up an hour ago, and have already sent my first campaign.  (to a list of 1 – me! 🙂

It’s such an exciting time to be in the relationship marketing and content curation business.  I mean that sincerely.  So many bold and beautiful ways to connect with a community, build something magical and meaningful and truly have access to world class tools at low (or NO) cost 🙂

This literally took me 6 minutes to create – from sign up to first send – no snide comments about my hair, please – it’s getting cut by the end of the month. 🙂

volleyy email marketing

Volleyy is a brand new email marketing platform for teachers, trainers, authors and aspiring entrepreneurs

The Matrix, Elon Musk and more Monday Realness

1 – Ever wonder what a conversation between me, Elon Musk, Neil Degrasse Tyson, the late (great) Phillip Dick and the guy downstairs who sells (and then smokes) my Kush would sound like?  Of course you haven’t.  But I have.  And it usually ends with me giving a great speech about the future of human potential, getting a rousing standing ovation from Philip, Elon and my dope dealing neighbor, while Neil (as always) sneaks into the kitchen to bogart my last box of toaster pizza for his drive home.

Okay, in fairness, I probably wouldn’t be saying much.  I tend to get really paranoid around smart stoned strangers.   But if you’ve ever wanted some evidence that we may be living in a MATRIX style simulation world being run by some not too distant generation of our children’s, children, children….watch this short video of Elon Musk being asked about it at the Re/Code conference last week.  (amongst many other prominent scientists who are now on record saying the same thing)

I LOVE this stuff…and while I’m not smart enough to grok most of the science, the “original” argument for a simulated universe by Neil Bostrom a few years ago, is a super easy, elegant and almost A-HA obvious to understand and strangely inspiring in 3 statement sentences to boot.  (and I for one, no pun intended……would love a re-boot)

2 – If we are living in a simulated universe, I truly hope I’m the only one living in the one where 45% of the population is about to vote Donald Trump for President.  I’m actually willing to take one for the team on this.  If, let’s say….i got the shitty roll of the cosmic dice, and this is all make believe anyway – and  I’m the on screen avatar in Donald Trumps, great, great, great, great grandkids virtual reality video christmas gift game being played in some set top box somewhere in Palm Beach Island, Florida….. however this turns out, I think I’m  happy to suffer alone.

Truly, I hope your universe is better.

Hopefully you got the guy who won the first season of Survivor as your universes virtual reality presidential candidate.   Or, maybe in your world, you got really lucky and it’s princess Khalisi and 3 dragons running the roost.

It matters not – I got Trump throwing sharp elbows and bad arguments into my living room every night……and you didn’t, which means, in all universes, you win.

3 -Speaking of geniuses…..who is in charge of scheduling the NBA finals games?   Who wants to wait 19 days between games when there is so little else to watch on TV.  What am I supposed to do on off nights?  Watch Dexter?  The Good Wife?  Good grief, give me some Monday night basketball.

Or, maybe just one more night of Mr self tanning color tone two shades too deep Trump on the tube.  I can’t take it. I don’t want to turn my head to the TV….and yet, there it goes, yet again.

It’s all rigged, I tell you.  In my universe, anyway.

 

 

 

 

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